Thin as fuck

I’ve eaten so much today, carbs, so many carbs. And the worst thing is that I know this disgusted heavy feeling could so easily be fixed. I know I’ve got just the right mix of food and liquids inside me for everything to come up easily, I even know roughly how much it all weighs, or rather how much less I would weigh if I were to purge. If only I were to let myself.

I can almost feel myself emptying, the exquisite relief, the slight discomfort a quickly fading warning – you really have to stop eating so much, you have to learn to control yourself. But of course I have controlled myself, I calmly let the food in and just as calmly let it out again, the very picture of control, no? No.

Apparently not hating the fullness is control, not being flooded with a million battling emotions after a meal is control. Knowing full well that all of this, whatever the fuck this is, could be solved in about 20 seconds flat, maybe 30 - it has been a while after all, and ignoring that option is control. The very picture of control, no? No.

I have no control. All I have is a myriad of conflicting feelings, no single one winning the fight and so I am left uncomfortable and frozen with inaction. I don’t know what to do and so I do nothing, but even the simple act of doing nothing is growing more and more difficult. I wonder how long it will be until I lose this fight… I know that one way or another I will once again find my control.