Anonymous asked: I know its easier said than done. but if you only ate more daily, you wouldn't end up binging. I know its horroundous doing it the slightly longer way, but tbf, it drops off easier, stays off easier and you'll be in control of the binging! x
But then what? What if I ACTUALLY hit my UGW? I’ll still be just as stupid and crazy as I am now only I’ll be underweight to boot. I do appreciate the advice and, of course, you are right but I just don’t see the point in TRYING because basically I’m trying to kill myself and doing a pretty shit poor job of it.
Anonymous asked: A little baby elephant stumbles into your ask box, holding a small letter in his mouth. He hands the note to you, "I love you. You are a wonderful, loved person." Pass it on to the first 10 people on your dash anonymously x
Meh, feel fat because I’ve eaten like 1700 cals today and now I really regret it but oh well. I have a house party tomorrow which I’m worried about looking fat at and idk.
It was nice in a way having a day of making myself eat, it was like being in recovery again, but I know I’ll have to pay for it now.
hungerisafeeling asked: So, are you still drunk? What'd you drink? Have you ever been so drunk you puked? What's your favorite color. And btw, your theme is amazing.
Oh wow thanks, I had to do a little fiddling on it :)
I like LOTS of colours, purple, red, black, gold, white, GREY (I love grey weirdly enough), blue, pink, gah too many colours!
Work sucked so I decided I wanted wine, I went to my mums and she had wine in the cupboard (whoo!) so I’m drinking it :)
Pucking while drunk became the norm for me, it was the resist way to regualting how much drink I’ve had, if I went over a little bit I would throw some up till I felt better again and then go back to partying - I guess an ED changes your whole approach to puking, its mainly tactical chunders when drunk but I used to get so drunk that I HAD to puke. I don’t do that so much anymore, my tolerance for drink is way low since leaving uni.
I’m on the white wine :) I’m still drinking it as we speak.
Anonymous asked: Ah, sorry, don't really know what other music to recommend because I listen to so many random bands/genres. Sigur Ros is pretty nice though. Quite different from Radiohead, so I don't know what you'll think of it...
One of my best friends loves Sigur Ros, I remember finding their stuff Svefn-G-Englar is a beautiful song by them, makes me think of floating in a swimming pool at night whenever I hear it, really chilled and happy :3 thanks for reminding me about these guys!
Anonymous asked: I know how it feels,when you think you don't have anything to live for. But I saw other ppl being happy & my desire was to be happy too.I know it sounds delusional to you right now,but there are things+reasons to live for,that maybe seem for you out of reach now.You have to find sth. that you love so much that you want to live for it. For me its my desire to make movies that ppl love and help animals in the future.I dont know if anything Im saying right now is helping,just remember that I care
I don’t know what to say. And it’s not that I’m never happy, I’m happy fairly often its just it all feels pointless. I can still look at the sky and appreciate how glorious it is, or lie with person I love and feel honored to love, and be loved, by them. Which makes it all the more confusing and difficult for me to solve this feeling of pointlessness. I don’t have it when I’m relapsed, to be perfectly honest I’m waiting for something to trigger me because nothing makes me feel like life is worth living then when I’m sick.
I’m stupid and pointless, I don’t see how anyone could read what I’ve written today and think otherwise. I have no reason to be sad, I have no reason to be anything other than grateful and happy for the life I’ve been given. The fact that I can find no reason to want to live despite all the wonderful things I have is just another reason why I should stop being a pointless waste of time and just die.
Anonymous asked: i know, most of my life i've felt that way too. i didn't want to disappoint my family, because i wasn't like them and i felt guilty because i was trying to do something special with my life. but i've come down to realize that you can't spend your life trying to please the people around you with being someone else. you need to live your own life and do the things that make you happy. even if that means to leave some people behind. :)
But I’m living to please other people, I have no burning desire to stay alive. No one has issues with the way I live my life or who I am other than me. The only thing that made me happy was slowing killing myself through my ED, and without my ED I just want to die, its a lose/lose situation.
I don’t know what I want which is why I’m still waiting, but I’m really starting to think that theres nothing I want badly enough to warrant staying in this limbo till I die, I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Anonymous asked: don't give up :) life's worth it when you find something that is truly worth living for. i know sometimes it's hard but things will fall in place. i don't know what to say more but i just want you to feel better :) please never give up! :)
There is nothing. And I look at all the older people I know and they have nothing that is worth all this misery for. I can’t think of anything I want to do with my life that is worth nothing. I’m just hanging around because the older I get the more responsibilities I build up and the guiltier I feel about wanting to abandon everyone. But why should I live a life I can’t stand because of everyone else? What have I done so awful that I owe everyone a lifetime of suffering to make up for it?
Thank you so much anon for trying but I just… just thank you <3 x
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